i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
two words: eviction party
i would one night stand the shit outta him
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
