we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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