I just found puke in my bra..
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
