Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
