and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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