he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My vagina is very pro this idea
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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