life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He told me they were just razor bumps!
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
