what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
