At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Randomize