i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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