how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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