I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
