Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
