i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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