So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
