Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
