i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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