I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
