last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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