none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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