her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
