Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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