DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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