OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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