No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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