You really coming over, don't trick.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
