Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
