Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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