I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You can't motorboat a personality
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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