Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
