i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
My ass is underappreciated
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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