Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
