I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
