i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Terrible idea I love it
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
