dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
