I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
