The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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