I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
