what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Randomize
