My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
