i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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