The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize