There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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