My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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