I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
