I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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