so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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