update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
