when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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