What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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