I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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