dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Randomize
