Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
