I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
