The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
