I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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