I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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