I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
