No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
What drink are we having for lunch?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
