she was so not down for the gang bang
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
